"I miss Lucy. I miss her stiff fur and huge, fluffy tail. I miss her big, brown eyes, so full of life and love. I miss having to clean up the trash she scattered through the house. I miss having to lock all the doors before I left the house, but coming home to see she had broken into the house some other way. I miss watching her march around the house, waiting until someone let her inside. I miss taking her a bath and than listen to her howl and yell for an hour as she dried off, tied to the door handle of our car. I miss her bark when I walk in at 1:30 at night, scaring me every time. I miss her getting scared of the fire alarms and wanting to sleep with me even when they went off. I miss her biting my feet when I ran though the house. I miss her barking and jumping at me if I tried to shock with with static electricity. I miss hugging her and feeling her lick my cheek. I miss seeing her everyday.
Its been almost four months and it still makes me cry. I couldn't understand why. Yes, I loved that dog to death. I'd known her for 13 years and we had such an awesome time and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful friend. But...how long will this last? I mean, yeah, it's going to hurt and I'm going to be sad, but she's just a dog.
It feels like all my recent insecurities and personal issues stem from her loss. I don't feel guilty about it; I know I did the right thing. But I have noticed that I am not as cheerful as I used to be, I'm not as patient at work or home, I feel befuddled and lost, I have no idea where I'm headed in life, I get more anxious and worried about the future and my plans, I don't feel like I have a very good grasp of...well, anything...I feel...like I am a sailor who has no map and is adrift in the mysterious, frightening, powerful sea.
Lucy was always there. She was always in her bed or outside or laying in the living room. But now she's not...she's gone and she's not coming back. That scares me. I don't want things to change like that. I wanted to be prepared for change, not afraid of when it's going to happen. I want change that...I want. Not change that leaves me powerless and helpless in my little boat. I don't need to be in control, I just want the change to be surprising, not scary.
I say it, over and over and over. God is in control, God has a plan, God has got it figured out. But how do I believe that? How do I learn to live that. I don't want to be in control anymore, but I don't know how to stop it and let it all go."
I still don't know the answer to this. I don't know if anyone does. How do I trust God? I'm still learning to trust every day. It's difficult and sometimes painful to just let go and let God take care of it.
"Buckle your seat belts and let God take care of the rest."
I used to say this a lot when I was younger. I used to really believe that. But as I grew older and became more aware of the world around me, I started to grow...scared. People that I knew died, friends left me behind, troubles covered my sky, my future was (and still is) fuzzy and I began to worry. Even though I never said it, I still gave the impression that God didn't know what he was doing.
He does know what he's doing. He's got it under control and doesn't want me to worry.
Matthew 6:25-34;
"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
Two years ago, I took Lucy to the vet because she was having severe abdominal pain. I remember hugging her tight in the back of the car as my dad drove us to the vet. I thought she was going to die.
"I'm not ready," I prayed, "Don't take her yet. Give me two more years."
....and He did.
Maybe He knew I wouldn't have been ready to tackle these same issues two years ago. He knew I would be able to handle this now, ask the right questions and have the right people in my life to help me grow stronger.
I still have trust issues.
I still worry.
I still want to control.
But guess what? I'm learning how not to. I'm learning to let go and let God do his work. I'm learning to step back and await the plans God has for me. I'm letting him paint his masterpiece...without me trying to muddy it up with my silly finger painting. He is testing me, making me strong, making me into the woman I NEED to be.
I'm learning to trust in God.
"It will come about in all the land," Declares the LORD, "That two parts in it will be cut off and perish; But the third will be left in it. And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, 'They are My people,' And they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'"
