Gut-Wrenching...

"No parent should have to bury their child."

King Theoden, Lord Of The Rings; The Two Towers.

     Evil. That's the only thing I could think when I heard about the Connecticut school shooting. 20 children and 6 adults. Dead. A senseless crime against humanity. Why? Because it's Evil. Evil doesn't make sense. Evil just does the complete opposite of Good...just because. It's gut-wrenching.
     I'm not going to try and explain what was the reason for the heinous crime or try to imagine God's plan in all of this. But I wanted to discuss something that might help shed some light on how Christians should react to situations like this. In other words, I am going to rant for a little.
     I felt something new this week. Well, okay, this is the second time I've had this feeling. The first time was when I heard about the Batman Massacre earlier this year. I'm ashamed of it, but I know I must overcome this Demon instead of trying to side step around it. You might have felt it too, but you want to ignore it.
     'True Christians should never think like that!' you might think. I know I thought that for a while.
I am a murderer. I've hated these people to the point of wishing I could end their sorry lives. I'm being deadly serious. I hated these people's guts, especially the shooter in Connecticut. How could you ever justify going after children!? I was so angry. The tears I cried were from hate and anger, not sadness.
     But even in the midst of my inner turmoil, God's hand continued to stay on my shoulder. He doesn't blame me for these thoughts, but he does want me to turn away from them. My hate is gone, but I still cannot forgive them. Not yet. I know I should and I probably will, but for now, I cannot. Even though I do not hate them, bitterness still remains and my sympathy for the families who have lost so much reminds me of the Evil these men have done.
    
    
     Then I remember; how much harder is it for these families you have lost their little ones and mothers...and so close to Christmas?

 

 

    
     Oh God, help us to forgive. Give us the strength to carry on despite the world's efforts to pull us down in the mud and filth. It hurts. It hurts so much. The pain in my heart. The anger is gone and is replaced with bewilderment, confusion and a heavy heart. How much more do these parents hurt? How much more do these children and fathers hurt? Why God!? Why?
    
     Teach us to forgive. I think, for the most part, we have forgotten how to do that. To ignore the pain these men have inflicted upon us, to remember that we are just as guilty in your eyes as these murderers and that all deserve grace and mercy. God, stand with us. Keep us strong. Help us to praise you in the storm. We don't have to thank you, but help us to remember who you are, that you are God, and that you will never abandon you.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you" Isaiah 41:13

Springs Rescue Mission

"If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother: But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth."    

Deuteronomy 15:7-8

     Last year, I volunteered to hold a clothing drive for the Springs Rescue Mission. SRM is a ministry located in Colorado Springs that provides food, some clothes and certain classes for homeless people. My drive wasn't that big and I only got a couple of clothes, but I was excited to be able to help out again in the winter when they asked. Earlier this month, they asked me again if I could have one. I've been really busy with college and work (especially work) that I had to say no. Holding a drive is a big responsibility and I didn't think I would be able to do it again. However, I did tell them I would tell everyone I met about their need. They are looking for a TON of stuff, mostly fall clothing and non-perishable foods. Here is the link for a full list of stuff needed: http://www.mysrm.org/neighbors-act. My church is a huge supporter of SRM and can vouch for it's integrity.
     Now, I'm not going to try and make you feel bad if you don't give, but anything you can do is greatly appreciated, even if it's just praying. Do not forget those who are in need or the ones who help them.

Tonight, the stars shine bright.

     I got lost in the night again. I just stopped and got sucked into the sheer beauty and immensity of it. I mean, wow. Wow. I would have stood there all night if I hadn't gotten cold. Have you ever looked at something, something you see all the time, and then you look at it again and it suddenly takes your breath away?
     I mean, think about it. God gave us everything we needed to survive; food, water, an intelligent mind and the ability to put our ideas into action. And then, God decided to give us things we didn't need. He didn't have to. He could have just given us a brain and thrown us into the wild. He didn't have to give us color, or music, or flowers, or trees, or laughter, or beauty...he didn't even need to give us stars. But he did. Why do we even have stars? They don't even have anything to do with how I live my life or what goes on in it...but God gave them to me anyway. Is that amazing, or what?
     Words cannot even describe what I feel. I am just blown away with it.
So go outside tonight. Look up at the stars. Now let it soak in and revel in the fact, God thought of you when he did that. He made them for you. He knew you would enjoy them. So, enjoy.:)

August report card

     Ugh...I did not do well on this at all. I didn't keep up with any of the resolutions except for going outside more, laundry and my drawing...:( No excuses; I failed, that's that. I'll post my picture soon, because, at the moment, I am on a break at my work. Let me explain:
     Last month, I had sent in an application for McDonalds (and a lot of other places) but it was mainly McDonalds that I wanted to work at. So, after a couple weeks, I came in and asked if my application had been looked at yet. (really gutsy, I've been told) She had a mini interview with me, then one more. I was scheduled for a third interview, which turned into being hired. I am so happy right now. I've been working three days now (this is my third) and I LOVE IT! It's not to hard, but not too easy, so I don't feel overburdened or anything. I am continually praising the Lord over and over for his many blessings.
      So, I should probably get back to enjoying my break. God Bless you all.

Fwustwation...

I feel so frustrated. 

     Well, not really frustrated (when I'm REALLY frustrated, I say "fwustwated")...confused is more like it. See, ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to act. I love acting. Telling stories, convincing others of how real you characters are and just the overall atmosphere. However, recently, I've felt the urge to go to Russia and volunteer at the orphanages there. I don't know where in Russia, why Russia, how long, or even if this is really of the Lord. I have no idea what God wants me to do right now. It feels like I'm being sent conflicting messages and I don't know what to do about it.
     Don't you wish God would give you straight answers to our questions, sometimes? It feels like my heads going to explode! I'm wracking my brain for answers, praying like crazy, but I still don't understand any of it. Many a sleepless night was spent staring into the dark, waiting for an answer, a vision, a sign, as to what I am supposed to do. Just sit here and do nothing? I felt tired and confused.
Then, this morning, God sent me a little something. In church this morning, one of the songs we sang was "Be Thou My Vision":

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

     God is my life. All else fades away when compared to him. He is my vision and I must never lose sight of that, no matter how confused, exasperated or frustrated I am. Nothing else matters but you. Everyday is another day to serve you. In whatever I do, I will honor you.

Thank you God for reminding me you are always there.

Mid-month exposure...

     So, this month has been going very well. I haven't been getting A's all this month, but it is coming along nicely (if I do say so myself)
   
    1) Organize my dresser.
     So far, this has gone well. It's clean, I just need to keep it clean...figures.

    2) Schedule my Humanities CLEP test.
     I have not done this. I completely forgot about it until last week. See, in order to schedule a CLEP test, you have to drive to the college and say, "Excuse me, I would like to schedule a CLEP test," instead of calling and saying, "Excuse me, I would like to schedule a CLEP test." I'm doing well with the studying and I think I can pass. We'll see...😁
 
    3) Write a short story and post it.
     This has actually gone a lot better then I thought. I'm actually almost done with it. I'm finishing up the rough draft, then I'll be able to fine tune it and everything. Hopefully, you guys will like it. I'll probably try and copywriter it, just because I'm paranoid in that type of way.;P
 
     4) Cardio and yoga.
     This has actually NOT gone a lot better then I thought. It's actually a whole lot WORSE. I've hardly done any yoga or running. I did the first week, but then....yeah....
 
     5) Contain the laundry room.
     When you call on your mom, a lot of things are possible.:) It's getting there.

     6) Get outside more.
     Yep. And really enjoying it, too. Been hanging out laundry, playing basketball, jumping on the trampoline and chasing cows through barb wire fencing...ah, I love the country.
   
      7) Draw more.
      I DID IT! I DREW A PICTURE! I'll post it at the end of the month, along with any others I might have completed by then.


     So, yeah, it has been a good month so far. I'm happy about it, and hopefully, that will motivate me until the end of the month.

The art of storytelling

     For a while, I used to want to be a bard. I was inspired by this wonderful singer. I had been writing an Epic poem (that is what the really long story poems are called) and I was determined to learn to play the guitar. I kind of still want to, but more of a hobby and something to do for entertainment purposes;
     "Wow, this party is so lame. I wish we had some source of entertainment."
     Then I jump up and pull a guitar out of my purse, singing, "Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin." (sorry, really big nerd moment there)

    Anyway, I still have the poem somewhere, gathering dust and being eaten by moths or something. I have a ton of stories like that. I started them, then just sort of gave them up.
     "If I don't have a point to make, why bother."
     I mean, I had read so many books and seen so many movies that really didn't seem to have a point. It was aimless and pointless, confusing and not entertaining. So I came to the conclusion, if a story doesn't have a point, don't do it. In order for a story to be highly successful, it MUST have a point. Period. No questions asked. However, I was still unsure about my theory, so I began looking at my favorite books and movies to figure things out.

     Have you ever read 'Beowulf'? It is an Epic poem about a man who saves a town from two monsters; Grendel and his mother, and in doing so, becomes a hero. I loved the character; a man willing to risk everything for people he hardly knows. It is one of my favorite books, and it has no point.

     The Hobbit is my second favorite book, (as you can probably guess, I am really excited about the movie. Why it's split into three parts though, still remains a mystery to me) and it has no point. I realized that most books that I have read and enjoyed are the ones without a point. Many of my favorite movies are ones that lack a purpose. But what was the difference? What was the difference between these seemingly pointless stories and the others?
     The answer came to me while I was reading an article from Empire.com. They had an interview with Wally Pfister, director Christopher Nolan's cinematographer. He was telling everyone about his work and the movies he had done with Christopher Nolan. The topics of politics came up, and he said,

"Chris rarely takes any kind of political position, so as with every single film he’s ever made, I think there’s a deliberate ambiguity there about what he might be saying. Perhaps he IS really just telling a story without taking any position or political point of view. I always get a kick out of that because people are always trying to find messages. They don’t exist! Not in that way. He loves creating ambiguity for the audience and leaving them to try to decide what the answer is. If you ask him, he’ll just shrug and smile and leave it up to you!"

     The best stories are the ones that let you decide what the message is. They let you decide what you want to take away from it rather then what the storyteller tries to push into your head. (I'm talking about fiction right now, which of course does not include non-fiction and the Bible.) If you think about it, a lot of our favorite stories are ones that let the audience decide the point.
     The difference between "Christopher Nolan" message stories and other pointless stories is that the others really have no point, the author just wrote something. "Christopher Nolan" stories have only one point; tell a story people will enjoy. That's what has been lost in today's world.
     Stories should not be written because the author wanted to write something for themselves, or to get money, or to just become famous. Stories unite and entertain. That's what it was meant for. It's what a child yearns for before bed and why people go to see movies. They can inspire and motivate. They can make us laugh and cry. They are stories and they were made for us.

"If stories come to you, care for them. And learn to give them away where they are needed. Sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive."
—Barry Lopez, in Crow and Weasel

Anyone care for another go at "Dovakhin"?

Bea Bea update

     Bea Bea was able to come home yesterday. She had some screws and wires attached to her leg to hold her elbow in place. Apparently, she had snapped her elbow bone off, and she needs to be on a leash for 12 weeks! If she runs or jumps, she could loosen the screws and wires and they would have to redo surgery.
     So, for 12 weeks, she is basically bed-ridden and she is driving me crazy with her whining. Poor Bea Bea.

She wears the cone of shame...

August Resolutions.

     So, I'm subscribed to to this blog called "She Learns as She Goes" (shelearnsasshegoes.com) and she challenged us to give ourselves monthly resolutions. So, here are my resolutions and hopefully, I'll be able to pull them off.

    1) Organize my dresser.

    I'm a major pack rat and I try very hard to keep that under control. I am organizing everything. Everything has a special box or space that it goes in EVERY SINGLE TIME I USE IT!!! However, my dresser has kind of just fallen into a dilapidated mess and it needs a little TLC ASAP.

     2) Schedule my humanities CLEP for this month.

     Ugh...CLEP tests... Enough said.

     3) Write a short story and post it.
     I want to be a writer, of books and screenplays. However, I fail when it comes to writing deadlines. Nano-Wrimo, Script Frenzy, whatever, they never get done. I have been trying to get on the ball and have been writing a ton lately, but I need something to actually show. So, I've had this idea in my head for a while and I think it would do well as a short story. Hence, this resolution, write a short story and post it.

     4) Cardio and yoga.
     Okay, so this one is a little difficult finding time to do this. I mean, having a job that confines you to the house, studying for CLEP tests, laundry...it's hard to find time to just run off by myself. So, I am going to try to go running every Sunday afternoon and yoga as much as possible, preferably everyday at night.

     5) Contain the laundry room!!!

     This is by far the worst. I have been horrible lately when it comes to the laundry room. Cleaning clothes, sweeping the floor, organizing the laundry, making sure it smells fresh...I think one of the reasons for this is because my mom wants me to hang up the laundry outside. I hate hanging up laundry. I don't know why, but I just do. That actually leads me to my next resolution.

     6) Get outside more.

     I don't get outside enough. I just don't. So hopefully, with running and hanging out laundry, I'll see the sun more and not turn into a vampire. I need the vitamin D...and the tan;)

     7) Draw more
     I really enjoy drawing (mostly sketching) but my endurance level is really low. So yesterday, I resolved to draw one picture this month. I'm drawing the actor Benedict Cumberbatch and so far I've done his eyes and nose. Hopefully, it will look like him.

     So, that's it. I don't know if this is too ambitious, or if it's not enough. Well see how I do and I will give you a report of how I did at the end of the month!

Poor Bea Bea...

     Bea Bea is our fat, short, adorable Golden/Beagle mix. Unfortunately, she is very accident prone and we knew one of these days she was going to really hurt herself. Technically, it was her puppy who hurt her, but still...

     Bea Bea and her puppy, Cappy, we're walking across a fallen tree a couple of days ago. Cappy decided she didn't like climbing this tree and tried to turn around. In doing so, she sent herself and her mom tumbling 6 feet to the ground. Cappy is okay, but Bea Bea has been limping since then. We took her to the vet yesterday and found out she had fractured a bone in her elbow. Poor Bea Bea!

   
     Currently, she is scheduled for surgery next Thursday (I think) and is on meds and lots of ice till then. Keep her in your prayers! The limited movement is making her anxious and very whiny.